i feel safe posting this here, because very few people i actually know watch me, so i can let this out without them finding it.

i'm tired of pretending. the face everyone sees everyday is fake. behind that i'm falling apart, i just want to get out. i even thought about leaving for manchester for good, just to get away, but i went up there for a week and realised that i couldn't stay away from this place, i missed everyone too much, as shit as the actual town is.

my life came crashing down around me in March this year, my mum was told that she had breast cancer on the 5th March, and less than 2 weeks later she had an operation to have the lump removed, and then things got hectic, since the 1st april we've been to the macmillan unit at our local hospital at least once a week. Everytime I go with her, its like a knife in my gut, because i think, in 30, maybe 40 years if i'm lucky, it will probably be me going through all that, and i don't think i could cope if i have to do it. I've only just stopped hiding from it all, and i'm sowly beginning to pick up the pieces, its like the last 7 months haven't been real, and its been like one very odd dream.

my friends are what makes life worth the trouble, i love every single one of them, and i don't think they realise just how much.
i realised that people actually worry about me, and they shouldn't i'm fine, really. i'll just keep on pretending life's ok, so really, i'm fine, please, stop worrying about me?

anyway, over and out... don't worry, i'm not about to go kill myself, like i said, i love all my friends too much, they mean the world to me

~X~
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